Dear readers, I implore you to purchase the latest issue of Heeb Magazine (Issue #7), which is on the newsstands now. Below is the original draft of the piece I did about esteemed (I think perhaps a bit too esteemed) actor Norman Fell. It's not exactly the version which ended up in the magazine, but I think you'll enjoy it nonetheless.

<big>AMERICA, FELL IN LOVE</big>
<br>Hollywood's real-life Zelig finally gets his due.

If it's true that there are no small actors, only small roles, then Norman Fell is the champion bit-part player in Hollywood. Born Norman Feld in Philadelphia, Fell
made a name for himself as a perenial bit part player in over a hundred and fifty films and television series. Not that it was a big name, but a name nonetheless.

Yes, wherever there was a non-descript cameo to be cast, Hollywood often turned to Fell, because a) brother can pass for Anglo Saxon, and b) you could count on good old Norman to never steal a scene. It's as if the studio execs got together and said, "he studied with Stella Adler, he ought to be able to pull off a twelve line part. But any more is pushing it!"

Of course, Fell will forever be known as George Roper, the nosy and undersexed landlord on Three's Company. His one shot at a starring role was the ill-fated spin-off, The Ropers, which lasted one-and-a-half seasons. Why one-and-a-half? It seems Fell had made an agreement with the studio that if The Ropers ran less than a season, he would still have an option to return to Three's Company. Those wily studio execs had screwed him yet again.

Doing the research for this article involved many trips to the video store. The first time I did this, I requested three movies: <i>Transylvania 6-5000</i>, <i>C.H.U.D. II – Bud the Chud</i>, and <i>The Kinky Coaches and the Pom Pom Pussycats</i>. The clerk looked at me like I was some kind of pervert, so I said, "I'm doing a piece on Norman Fell for a magazine."<br>
"Who's he?" aksed the clerk. <br>
"You know, he was Mr. Roper on Three's Company. He's in all of these movies…" <br>
"Oh yeah! He's in everything! He's like the most famous guy who's not famous!" <br>
It doesn't get any more succinct than that.

I present to you the most comprehensive analysis of Norman Fell's extensive ouevre to date, and by "extensive ouevre" I mean "the only Fell movies they had at my video store."

<b>Ocean's Eleven</b>: Fell probably has the most on-screen minutes in this Rat Pack flick out of all his movies. Not because he's a particularly important character (OK, he's one of the Eleven), but because the movie is about fourteen-and-a-half hours long. Fell has the least amount of lines of any of the title characters; while almost every other character has some sort of on-screen backstory, Fell is just… well, around. It seems like they threw in his character because Ocean's Ten didn't sound as good as Ocean's Eleven. Basically, what I'm saying is that Norman Fell makes the entire premise of the film possible.

<b>Inherit the Wind</b>: Fell plays the radio technician for WGN. Never has a six-line cameo been imbued with such monumental symbolic significance. Fell's are the hands who whisk the microphone away from the blustering Brady as it becomes clear the crowd has lost their interest (and faith) in him. Then Gene Kelly makes a crack about loudspeakers. Norman Fell, ladies and gentlemen, is the future.

<b>Bullitt</b>: Fell's role in Bullitt as one of many cops is about as pointless as the movie as a whole. This could just as easily mean his performance is about equal with the balance of the film.

<b>It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World</b>: As much as I love this movie, the truth is that the best gag occurs in the first ten minutes. Immediately following this climax, Fell's character (one of the detectives who chases Smiler Grogan off the road) appears, playing the straight man to Milton Berle, Buddy Hackett, Jonathan Winters, Mickey Rooney, and Sid Caesar, delivering a crucial twenty-line exposition. Who else but Norman Fell would get stuck playing the only serious role in a movie in which every other actor is a bigshot comedian?

<b>Catch-22</b>: Fell plays Major Major's secretary, Sgt. Towser–the only character who is neither mad with power nor mad from the abuse of power. Sgt. Towser unquestioningly follows orders, no matter how absurd. Apparently, the man prepared for this role by being an actor in the Hollywood studio system for a decade or so. Also, Fell actually was a tail gunner in the air force during WWII, but it was in the Pacific, which was a completely different theater.

<b>The Graduate</b>: The first of Fell's great series of roles as 'the landlord.' Why is it that Fell's best roles are playing nosy landlords? Usually the man has basically nothing to work with in terms of lines (and, to be frank, he doesn't do much with nothing). But his portrayal of Benjamin Braddock's paranoid landlord is really Fell's finest hour on film, and it's only fifteen lines.

* Sorry, that is not Norman Fell doing an uncredited cameo in the original Thomas Crown Affair. If you read this footnote, you likely checked the Internet Movie Database and thought I forgot to include it, didn't you. It is merely an actor who bears a passing resemblance.

<b>Acting By Numbers With Norman Fell</b>:

Fell had a simple philosophy as an actor–pick the three emotions you convey best, and use them as the pallette for all of your future roles. In his case, these are either a)
exasperation, b) curiosity, or c) unamused annoyance. For example:

<b>Exasperated + curious = Policeman</b> (e.g., <i>Detective </i> in It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World, <i>Captain Baker</i> in Bullitt)

<b>Exasperated + unamused = Army Sergeant</b> (e.g., Sergeants <i>Coleman, Dell, Towser, Wadley, Wilentz, or Winkler</i>)

<b>Curious + unamused = Landlord</b> (<i>Mr. Roper</i> in Three's Company, <i>Mr. McCleery</i> in The Graduate)
Ever wonder why Fell shines as the landlord? You try playing curious and unamused at the same time… not so easy, is it? That's why he has a Golden Globe nomination and you don't.