I was going to say something about the whole Bill O’Reilly lawsuit and pursuant scandal, but more sober reflections reminded me that I ought to respect O’Reilly’s innocence until proven guilty. What’s indelibly funny, whether the allegations are true or not, are the things O’Reilly allegedly said as per the defendant. The Smoking Gun has got this covered in spades. I can’t even reprint what O’Reilly supposedly said for fear of inviting a horde of perverts from Google looking for “falafel loofah mitts.”
From the way O’Reilly misquotes people on his show, I was really tempted to quote from his detective novel sex scenes, but actually, I have an even better idea I’ll tell you about in a minute.
Next up in our sampler is the flack Kerry’s getting for his comment about Mary Cheney, the lesbian daughter of Dick Cheney:
KERRY: We’re all God’s children, Bob. And I think if you were to talk to Dick Cheney’s daughter, who is a lesbian, she would tell you that she’s being who she was, she’s being who she was born as.
The next day Lynne Cheney (and our right wing punditry) excoriated Kerry for… umm…
“Now, you know, I did have a chance to assess John Kerry once more and now the only thing I could conclude: This is not a good man,” she said at a rally outside Pittsburgh. “Of course, I am speaking as a mom, and a pretty indignant mom. This is not a good man. What a cheap and tawdry political trick.”
What was that trick again? Mary is part of Cheney’s campaign staff. Her last job was at the Coors Brewing Co. as the ‘gay and lesbian corporate relations manager.’
How dare Coors bring up the fact that Mary is a lesbian! That’s a cheap and tawdry political trick! And as for Dick Cheney repeatedly bringing up his daughter’s sexual preference on the campaign trail? You guessed it–proof that Dick is not a good man.
What’s apparent is that Lynne considers the word “lesbian” to be an epithet and discussion of her sexuality to be an insult. To wit, a 2000 interview with ABC via Salon:
On Sunday, the issue of Cheney’s sexuality took an odd twist, when her mother Lynne denied ABC’s Cokie Roberts’ assertion that Mary Cheney has “declared that she is openly gay.” An irritated Lynne Cheney shot back: “Mary has never declared such a thing. I would like to say that I’m appalled at the media interest in one of my daughters. I have two wonderful daughters. I love them very much. They are bright; they are hard-working; they are decent. And I simply am not going to talk about their personal lives. And I’m surprised, Cokie, that even you would want to bring it up on this program.”
OK, so far, nothing new. But did you know, speaking of novel sex scenes, that Lynne Cheney’s 1981 masterpiece, Sisters, includes a lesbian sex scene? Is this the smoking gun which proves homosexuality is hereditary? Just kidding–the truth is that I couldn’t give a flying fuck if homosexuality is a choice or not. That’s a debate for religious people.
Rounding out our scandalous sex sampler: Antonin Scalia comes out for orgies to reduce stress, and Alan Keyes (of whom we can only conclude that he is not a good man) goes after gay parents, having already bashed Mary Cheney for being a lesbian:
U.S. Senate candidate Alan Keyes told a rally Saturday that incest was “inevitable” for children raised by gay couples because the children might not know both biological parents. “If we do not know who the mother is, who the father is, without knowing all the brothers and sisters, incest becomes inevitable,” Keyes told the Marquette Park rally held to oppose same-sex marriages.
Keyes, although he may be a bit fuzzy on probabilities, makes an excellent point. This is why I assume he will join the burgeoning national movement to end adoption on these exact grounds.
