So the President unveiled his health plan(s) to what I thought was an incredible display of bravery on the Republicans’ part, and I’m jealous. I remember what it felt like to torture the substitute teacher from the back of class, yelling out “you lie!” and holding up signs and so forth. These people are really […]
Like you, I was very concerned about the well-being of crazy right-wingers this summer. Their favorite party out of office, a Democratic super-majority in the Senate, the stock market dragging its feet—how were we, as a nation, going to keep these people off the streets? By staging a gigantic nation-wide debate about healthcare, that’s how. […]
Dear readers, you may be wondering what I’ve been up to, since lately dispatches are few and I never call anymore. Well, I’ve been working on a book. If you want a copy of the proposal, e-mail me and I’ll send it to you. For the purposes of this website, the proposal is to be […]
Now that News Corp has all purchased the Wall Street Journal and late capitalism is experiencing yet another paroxysm—er, market correction—I think it behooves us all to consider the fate of the lowly Glass-Steagall Act of 1933. You see, way back in the 1920’s the market was booming—everybody was getting rich speculating in the market […]
Welcome to another edition of actual casual asides, seasoned as usual with gotchas and I-told-you-sos. Ask Not For Whom The Bell Tolls… The United States and our allies have no rational interest in disclosing how many people we’ve killed in Iraq and Afghanistan if that number is inclusive of civilians. “We don’t do body counts,” […]
Let me state at the outset that I am a huge, huge fan of both Tim O’Reilly and Jimmy Wales. I own several O’Reilly books, and obviously I use wikipedia all the time. I respect them immensely, and we should all bow before their superior technological wisdom. Except in this case: A widely forwarded New […]
Bush’s October 6th speech at the National Endowment for Democracy was so close to self-parody that for once, Bush’s smirks were actually humorous. It was like a Friar’s Club Speech, if the friars were experts on Middle East affairs. The theme of this speech is the comparison (more precisely, the equation) of Islamist terrorism to […]
Last week, I pitched a TV show to a certain famous filmmaker and TV producer, and I have yet to hear a response. So, I figure I might as well share it with you, dear readers, because based on the horrified responses I get from other people I tell about it, it’ll never get made. […]
Cheap “Iraqi solidarity” posturing or evidence of a terrorist plot to crazy glue $20 bills to the toilet bowls of the Republican Congressional offices? Some may be puzzled with the President’s choice of Laura Bush to head up his surprise anti-gangbanging initiative. Those people need only read Kitty Kelley’s account of Laura’s drug-dealing days at […]
We’re watching CNN just now, Kerry and Clinton campaign in Philly. Clinton just closed with an brilliant line about one candidate wanting you to fear and one candidate wanting you to think. Kerry: “Isn’t it great to have President Clinton back on the trail?” D. J.: “Yeah, what the hell took him so long?” Roommate: […]
Dear readers, I implore you to purchase the latest issue of Heeb Magazine (Issue #7), which is on the newsstands now. Below is the original draft of the piece I did about esteemed (I think perhaps a bit too esteemed) actor Norman Fell. It's not exactly the version which ended up in the magazine, but […]
I don't really aspire to be wealthy, but I was thinking that what I would really like to do is to be able to throw things away over my shoulder when I'm done with them–you know, books, magazines, shotglasses, breakfast, laptops, tax returns, that kind of thing. That'd be sweet. And I suppose it would […]
Now that he's presumably dead and buried, three thoughts about Reagan are constantly recurring in my mind: <ol type=a><li>Did you know that Ronald "Ketchup Is A Vegetable" Reagan was the only president of the United States to have been president of (or, for that matter, been a member of) a labor union? Worse than that, […]
Last week's edition of the Weekly World News (you know, the one with "TWELVE MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE SPACE ALIENS! on the cover) contains a very interesting article entitled, "SADDAM WON IRAQ WAR … then CIA time travelers reversed his victory!" Yes, according to America's most widely read newspaper, <blockquote>Madman Saddam Hussein really did have […]
I think this sums up what I feel about the upcoming George W. Bush vs. John F. Kerry contest. Presidential Election 2004 Complete Moron Fooled by a Complete Moron
Ever since I heard about The Brown Bunny, the Vincent Gallo tour-de-force which premiered at Cannes (garnering the distinguished “Worst Film at Cannes Ever” award from the critics), I have been obsessed with a single idea. That idea is to remake The Brown Bunny shot-for-shot, but with an all rabbit cast (a la Night of […]
Not that I’m a California resident, but I think the California governor’s race is greatly fascinating. My candidate, of course, is Gary Coleman. Just think of it! Each of California’s problems could be solved in a half-hour, or in extreme cases, a two-episode story arc (although I suspect Coleman might suggest that these problems would […]
A while ago, I noticed a very interesting story on the AP’s “Strange News” page, entitled, “Alabama Votes Against Legalizing Sex Toys.” From the headline, one would assume that the Alabama state legislature was a bunch of tight-assed, Bible-thumping reactionaries. After all, this whole sex-toys flap started in 1998, when the Alabama legislature passed a […]
I finally got around to listening to that Bill O’Reilly-Al Franken-Molly Ivins forum where O’Reilly got petulant, etc. It’s pretty funny. I especially like where Bill lies (apologists might merely say “exaggerates”) during the actual forum: Al Franken: I’ll finish for now, I could go on all day… Bill O’Reilly: I know you could. AF: […]
From: D. J. Waletzky To: The Internet Oracle Subject: Re: Answer #QYGaari, the Oracle requires an answer to this question. Date: 18 Jun 2003 05:46:32 -0400 On Wed, 2003-06-18 at 04:33, The Internet Oracle wrote: { The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question! { { O Oracle most wise in the ways of […]
Dear Mr. Powell, Last night, I had a dream that I was working in your office. You, of course, were genial but serious. Then, you made a crack about a co-worker wearing Army boots to the office. “Yeah,” I agreed, “she doesn’t really have that pummeling sensibility.” (I know, I know, “pummeling sensibility?” It’s a […]
I found the following conversation on my work computer: [My friend Name Withheld is trying to find an aria from Don Giovanni on a file-swapping service] (15:25:51) Name Withheld: sigh…my song still hasn’t finished downloading… (15:26:31) D. J.: You mean the one about the UFOs and conga-line dancing? (15:26:38) D. J.: The one with the […]
Free me from the prison of your cheesecake delights while midgets dance their sadistically rhythmic ballet in step with the war-machines of Lower Saxony!
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