ASTOR PL OPERA HOUSE RIOTS MARK FIRST TIME ARMY CALLED TO CULL CITY’S WHEAT FROM LOW-BRED DRUNKEN FILTHY IGNORANT SHAKESPEARE-LOVING CHAFF

NOTICED @DalaiLama HAS OVER ONE MILLION TWITTER FOLLOWERS BUT DOESN’T FOLLOW ANYBODY BACK STOP HEY EVER HEARD OF A LITTLE THING CALLED KARMA

@KeithOlbermann IDEA: RETURN TO AIR WITH HEARTFELT APOLOGY INDICTING @FoxNews AND HAVE BEN AFFLECK DELIVER IT AS YOU

WHEN WE FOUND GRANDPA MISSING WE FEARED WORST STOP THEN FOUND SILVERWARE AND LIQUOR MISSING STOP AT LEAST HE’S COMPOS MENTIS

@MoRocca: HIPSTERS ON A PLANE STOP THE HORROR STOP THE HORROR

♺ @MoRocca: So many identical MacBooks on airpt sec conveyer belt. Waiting 4 Mac mix-up romantic comedy w/ Justin Long. Title?

@ZODIAC_MF SON SON SON SON SON SON SON SON SON SON SON

RT @ZODIAC_MF: POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP

@EmilyEDickinson WHY CAN EVERYTHING YOU WRITE BE SUNG TO THE TUNE OF GILLIGAN’S ISLAND STOP WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL US

DADDY WENT AND LOST HIS LEG STOP THE POOR INVALID IS A TERRIBLE POKER PLAYER

DILLINGER SHOT DEAD OUTSIDE CINEMA RUNNING FROM GMEN STOP CAUGHT EXITING GANGSTER MELODRAMA STOP COPS PREFER THEIR STORY IN LIVING COLOR

ARRIVED BUFFALO LAST WEEK WITH JUST SAWBUCK AND ANTIQUE CUFFLINKS STOP LEFT LAST NIGHT WITH FIFTY GRAND AND WARRANT FOR MY ARREST

@SarahKSilverman A LITTLE ELBOW GREASE AND A FINE SHAMMY JUST MIGHT DO THE TRICK

RT @SarahKSilverman: This constant masturbation is losing it’s sheen.

@CAPSCOP WELCOME TO THE DARK SIDE

@ebertchicago CANCEL THE HOPI SWEAT LODGE STOP WHY NOT JUST HEAD TO THE LOCAL SHVITZ INSTEAD STOP THEY’VE GOT BETTER INSURANCE

RT @ebertchicago: NYTimes headline: “After Sweat Lodge Deaths, Fewer Tourists With Spiritual Needs”

FIRST PAVED ROAD NOW TELEGRAPH WIRE NEXT ASBESTOS FACTORY STOP OUR TOWN HAS BRIGHT FUTURE AHEAD STOP SMELL OF OPPORTUNITY IN THE AIR

ULCER SUFFERERS REJOICE STOP PROF FLETCHER’S DISTILLED TONIC STOP FIRST PATENT MEDICINE WITH GIN ALREADY INCLUDED

@CrankyKaplan LET GO OF THE TELEGRAPH WIRE

RT @CrankyKaplan: SLIGHT TINGLING SENSATION IN FINGERTIPS. FUCK, I HATE HAVING A TINGLING SENSATION.

@hunterw THAT’S BECAUSE THERE’S TOO MUCH TRAFFIC

RT @hunterw: Angelenos CANNOT drive

RAISING CHICKENS WITH LITTLE SUCCESS STOP PLENTY OF WATER SUNLIGHT FERTILIZER STOP BEEN PLANTING THEM HEADFIRST BUT NEIGHBOR SAYS FEET FIRST

@megancarpentier THAT’S BECAUSE FOX NEWS VIEWERS THINK ALGORITHM MUST BE SOME KIND OF GLOBAL WARMING HOAX PERPETRATED BY HOMOSEXUALS

RT @megancarpentier: On 60 Minutes, they just defined “algorithm,” proving Neil Cavuto right for admonishing me on-air on FBN for using …

@ToureX WHAT A JADED VIEW OF NAIVETE

RT @ToureX: RT @jennyholzer: IT’S BETTER TO BE NAIVE THAN JADED

@LUBAVITCH_REBBE GEVALT STOP THEY COULD STONE YOU FOR WEARING WOMEN’S UNDERWEAR STOP GOOD THING GOD’S NOT ON TWITTER

RT @LUBAVITCH_REBBE: Bitches, I’m STONED…and wearing women’s underwear!

PLEASE SEND EVERYTHING YOU CAN STOP SIX HOGSHEADS LARD SLID OFF DELIVERY WAGON STOP REST OF OUR INVENTORY SLID OFF GREASED BRIDGE

@michaelianblack: 8YR OLD SCOTCH STOP THAT’LL TEACH HIM TO RESPECT HIS ELDERS

♺ @michaelianblack: What’s a great gift for a 5-yr-old boy? And DON’T say a bottle of Walgreen’s generic acetaminophin. Because it’s NOT.

@Edgar_Allan_Poe PERHAPS IT WAS HIS TERRIBLE SPELLING AND OVERALL WEAK GRAMMAR

RT @Edgar_Allan_Poe: Jack the Ripper was misunderstood.

RT @ZODIAC_MF: FUCK YEAH THIS GUY KNOWS HIS FACTS RT @telegramslost WHY NOT TAKE SIDE ACTION ON HOW MANY FREE DRINKS YOU CAN GET

@ZODIAC_MF WHY NOT TAKE SIDE ACTION ON HOW MANY FREE DRINKS YOU CAN GET

RT @ZODIAC_MF: THE ONLY GOOD GAME IN A CASINO IS TRYING TO SCAM FREE DRINKS WITHOUT SPENDING ANY FUCKING MONEY

@TweetsofOld FAT CHANCE WOLF STOP I’LL SET UP MY OWN POST OFFICE OUT WEST STOP YOU’LL NEVER FIND ME

RT @TweetsofOld: The person who stole the letter stamp and ink pad from the post office is requested to return same to J. H. Wolf. IL1897

EVEN SQUIRRELS IN CITY ARE STUCK UP STOP TRIED TO FEED ONE A FLAVORED POTATO CHIP STOP RODENT SNIFFED THEN RECONSIDERED

@varnado: WE HAVE POST-HOLIDAY CLEARANCE SALES AND DOUBLE OVERTIME INSTEAD

♺ @varnado: there’s no Jewish equivalent to Santa.

@TweetsofOld OL MRS WILLIAMS ALWAYS WINS WITH HER CRY STOP I KNOW WHERE THE BODIES ARE BURIED STOP GETS EM EVERY TIME

RT @TweetsofOld: Mrs. Charles Williams won first place in the husband call contest at the Lyndon County fair. KS1928

EVERYONE’S SO EXCITED ABOUT PNEUMATIC TUBES NOWADAYS STOP WHAT WILL BECOME OF THE HUMBLE TELEGRAPH STOP SUPPOSE YOU CAN’T WIRE A SANDWICH

PROFESSOR FLETCHER’S ALL-PURPOSE UNGUENT OINTMENT AND POMADE STOP CURES EVERY MODERN AFFLICTION FROM GOUT TO STUMP RASH TO COWLICKS

RT @kevinpollak: Saw a Jewish Faith Healer. Cures by comparing illnesses. “Sprained your ankle? I have a growth on my colon the size of …

PROF FLETCHER’S BRILLIANT WHITE COLLARS STOP FINEST CELLOPHANE KEROSENE FINISHED STOP PROFESSIONAL MEN KNOW HOW TO FIRE UP THEIR WARDROBE

YOUR SPEEDY TELEGRAPHIC REPLY EVOKED NOSTALGIA FOR SIMPLER TIMES WHEN I COULD BE DEPRIVED OF YOUR STUPIDITY FOR MONTHS VIA POSTAL SERVICE

@hunterw EVEN NOW YOU REALIZE THAT WHEN HENDRIX WAS MY AGE HE HAD BEEN DEAD FOR TWO YEARS

@hunterw NOW I’LL FINALLY BE AS OLD AS I’VE LOOKED AND FELT FOR THE PAST DECADE

HEARD YOU WERE TURNING THIRTY STOP HOW UTTERLY BOURGEOIS

SCHOOL GOING WELL STOP HAVEN’T BEEN TO ANY CLASSES YET STOP FORTUNATELY FOUND A FEW HIGH GRADES RUMMAGING THROUGH TRASH AT PROFESSORS HOMES

@hunterw I ALWAYS BRING MY SPECIAL SANDWICHES ON TRAIN RIDES OF ANY LENGTH

@TweetsofOld THEY BETTER CATCH THAT THIEF TONIGHT STOP MY WIFE HAS FORTY CENTS SHUDDER TO THINK WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN IF HE CATCHES HOLD OF HER

RT @TweetsofOld: Four prisoners escaped, Wm. Sisk, Robert Morris,Tom Justice, white, all murderers, and a negro man who had stolen forty …

@hunterw SERIOUS PEOPLE SEND TELEGRAMS STOP THIS TWEETING IS FOR THE BIRDS

PROF FLETCHER IN TOWN AGAIN WITH MEDICINE SHOW STOP ASKED HIM WHY HE GOT IN THE BUSINESS STOP SAID A MAN ONCE TOLD HIM FUTURE IS IN LIQUIDS

@batshelter CHANCING UPON COLLEAGUE IN BATHROOM ETIQUETTE SAYS PAY A COMPLIMENT STOP THEN POLITELY PROFUSELY APOLOGIZE FOR SAID COMPLIMENT

THIS IS MY FIRST TELEGRAM FROM THE BIG CITY STOP THAT OL SAWBUCK I HAD SAVED UP SURE CAME IN HANDY STOP SAY WHAT DO YOU MEAN TWO BITS A WORD

MINE COLLAPSE STOP NINE COMPANY MEN LOST STOP SIX HORSES TWO CARTS SIX THOUSAND FOOT OF TRACK TWENTY PICKAXES STOP FEW DOZEN DAY LABORERS

CAN STAND YOUR COVERT AFFAIRS NO LONGER STOP LEAVING YOU RETURNING TO MY HUSBAND STOP AT LEAST HIS ADVENTURES WITH YOUR SISTER ARE PUBLIC

SOUTHERN LEAGUE OF BASE BALLISTS HOST HOMERUN DERBY JACKSNVLLE MACEDONIAS LICK SAVANNAH BROADS STOP COPS SWEAR LYNCHING KEPT TO BARE MINIMUM

@CrankyKaplan TUESDAY NIGHTS ALWAYS THE SLOWEST

RT @CrankyKaplan: AT BEACH BONFIRE JAMMING POCKET KNIFE INTO LEFT CALF AS HOT PREPPY MATRON, DRUNK ON MY GIN, WEEPS FOR HER YOUTH.

REGRET TO INFORM CPL HASEK DEAD STOP BRAVE SOLDIER FRIEND TO MANY STOP SUCCUMBED TO MYSTERY ILLNESS AFTER DOWNING THREE BOTTLES OF SLIVOVITZ

@TweetsofOld RECALL NEWSPAPER EDITOR WE PAID TO BEAT UP PACIFISTS IN THE GREAT WAR STOP SEEMS CLUBS CIRCUS GAVE AS PARTING GIFT WERE BIG HIT

RT @TweetsofOld: Benito Mussolini has been bitten by the golf bug. IT1929

@GenMcChrystal ZULU MOST BOTHERSOME STOP SOME EVEN LEARNED TO USE RIFLES STOP IT SOUNDS LIKE IT UPSETS THE ELEPHANTS

RT @GenMcChrystal: URGENT MESSAGE TO PETRAEUS: Use the power of the vuvuzela. May the force be with you.

RT @robdelaney: IF YOU SWIM IN A LAKE, YOU ARE GOING TO BE KILLED AND EATEN BY THE THING THAT LIVES IN THAT LAKE.

SMALL ACCIDENT STOP FOREMAN SUFFERED BROKEN LEG STOP CAN’T FIND REST OF HIM

@TweetsofOld TOLD YOU NOT TO MARRY THAT BEAR YOU OLD CODGER STOP YOUR EYES GET WORSE EVERY YEAR

RT @TweetsofOld: William Pangborn, 82 years of age, is charged with killing his wife. He claims that he did it while fighting a bear.ME1875

MA’S FINE STOP PA’S FINE STOP BROTHER’S FINE STOP SISTER’S FINE NIECES AND NEPHEWS FINE STOP WE’RE ALL BEING FINED BY THE CITY FOR SQUATTING

@TweetsofOld FIND THE JOKER WHO TOOK OUT SAWBUCK ON LIGHTNING BOLT AND GIVE HIM HIS EARNINGS

RT @TweetsofOld: More than 300 persons were thrown to the ground by a lightning bolt while watching the horse races. UT1905

TRY PROF FLETCHER’S CONDENSED TALLOW AND AXLE GREASE FOR TODAY’S ACTIVE LIFESTYLE STOP DAUB ON WAGON WHEELS AT DAWN AND BREAD AT DUSK

PHILOSOPHIZING TELEGRAPHICALLY ALWAYS DISCOURAGING STOP WITH EVERY SENTENCE WESTERN UNION BEGS YOU TO QUIT ASKING QUESTIONS

ARRIVED AT CONEY ISLAND STOP SHIPMATES ALL SAY THEY’RE GOING TO SEE THE ELEPHANT STOP SAW IT FROM THE DECK AND IT DOESN’T LOOK THAT SPECIAL

@TweetsofOld REFUND REQUESTED IMMEDIATELY STOP MONKEY CAN’T FETCH OR DEFEND PROPERTY STOP ANYWAY TASTED AWFUL

RT @TweetsofOld: Mike O’Shea traded his monkey for an alligator from Louisiana. CO1900

MOTHER MISPLACED SPECTACLES STOP COME HOME FROM TOWN IMMEDIATELY STOP WE’LL BROOK NO DISSENT

BP TANKER TORREY CANYON SINKS OFF CORNWALL STOP CARGO FLOATS STOP OIL SPILL MAY SINK BP

RT @sixwordstories: Flat tire. Flight missed. Air crash. —Pranay

@ebertchicago POWWOW BROADCAST WAS SCHEDULED STOP NETWORK PREZ RENEGED ON TIMESLOT STOP CHOLERA COVERED M&MS AND FIREWATER IN GREEN ROOM

FALSE ALARM AFTER BOMB FOUND IN ROYAL CARRIAGE STOP POLICE SUSPECTED ANARCHISTS UNTIL QUEEN ADMITTED TO HEAVY BEAN AND CABBAGE FILLED LUNCH

STRUCK OIL IN GULF NEAR FOURCHON STOP CARELESS SUPERVISOR DROPPED CIGARETTE IN WATER STOP CLAIMS REDISCOVERY OF GREEK FIRE

@LUBAVITCH_REBBE RECEIVED YOUR AUTOGRAPHED COPY OF GUIDE FOR THE PERPLEXED STOP HAD NO IDEA ABOUT THE 7TH BOOK OF THE MISHNA ENTITLED “YAYO”

RT @CrankyKaplan: WE’LL GO ON A TWISTER THAT’LL MAKE OMAR THE SOUSED PHILOSOPHER OF PERSIA LOOK LIKE AN ANEMIC ON A GOAT’S MILK DIET!

STAYED UP ALL NIGHT WITH STOMACH FULL OF BUTTERFLIES STOP THEY TASTED AWFUL

HOMO SUM HUMANI NIHIL A ME ALIENAM PUTO STOP EXCEPT THOSE ANIMALS WHO CANNOT UNDERSTAND LATIN

RUNAWAY INFLATION SEEMS INESCAPABLE STOP SOMEDAY TELEGRAMS WILL CHARGE PER LETTER NOT PER WORD

@sixwordideas @sixwordstories THE WORD PARSIMONY IS HARDLY PARSIMONIOUS

@sixwordideas @sixwordstories DON’T BE SPARTAN WITH LACONIC WIT

@sixwordideas @sixwordstories YOU CAN’T HAVE TOO MUCH PITH

LOCAL SAVAGES BELIEVE THEY CAN STAVE OFF FAMINE WITH HUMAN SACRIFICES STOP WOULD CORRECT THEM BUT VENUS IN RETROGRADE THIS WEEK

PASTOR PREACHED FEMININE IMMODESTY EARTHQUAKES STOP BEGS QUESTION WHY NO QUAKES IN AFRICA WHERE NATIVES PRANCE AROUND NUDE

THIS DAMNED COUNTY WON’T SELL BEER UNTIL NOON STOP WHAT DO THESE RUBES HAVE FOR BREAKFAST?

@TweetsofOld DEAR MOTHER STOP CRITTENDEN HAS DEVELOPED ACUTE LEAD POISONING STOP CAN’T HELP BUT FEEL PARTIALLY RESPONSIBLE STOP MISSED TWICE

RT @TweetsofOld: Shortly after Mrs. Fair emptied lead into Crittenden the other day, she telegraphed to her mother that she had shot him …

PAWNED GOLD WATCH STOP BOUGHT SUNDIAL INSTEAD STOP THESE NEW ELECTRIC LIGHTS KEEPING ME UP ALL NIGHT

CREDIT MOBILIER PLOT REVEALS OLD HORSE THIEVES BECAME ROBBER BARONS THANKS TO INDUSTRIALIZATION STOP CAN’T LOOK GIFT TRAINS IN THE MOUTH

THESE RAILROAD STOCKS ARE GALLOPING ALONG AT A STEADY CLIP STOP WHAT WILL BECOME OF THE SIMPLE HORSE TRADER

CELLOPHANE STOCKS GO UP IN FLAMES AS PAPER COLLARS PROVEN FLEETING FASHION STOP CIGARS SAFE ONCE AGAIN AS TOBACCO FUTURES ROLL UPWARD

GETTING OUT OF COTTON FUTURES STOP BOLL WEEVILS & ABOLITIONISTS UNRELIABLE FACTORS STOP RATHER INVEST IN PROSTITUTION STOP UNYIELDING DEMAND

@LUBAVITCH_REBBE BEFORE LEAVING FOR AMERICA YOU MET MY DAUGHTER STOP NEVER THOUGHT I’D MEET BIGGER MAMZER THAN YOU STOP NOW HE’S MY GRANDSON

SORRY I MISSED YOUR CALL STOP DROPPED PHONE IN THE TOILET STOP THESE EXTRA-LONG CORDS DANGEROUS IN WRONG HANDS

RT @MRadclyffe: @telegramslost @sixwordideas @sixwordstories Any six word stories starting ‘For sale: baby shoes’ should automatically b …

@MRadclyffe @sixwordideas @sixwordstories CAN WE AGREE HEMINGWAY WRITES TELEGRAPHICALLY

RT @TweetsofOld: An Ohio man just dead has made a cast-iron will. Will slighted heirs claim that the document was forged? MI1883

@TweetsofOld HOST OF ROACHES MOVED IN STOP REFUSE TO BE ROUTED STOP NEW RENTER NOT AS TOUGH STOP PROMPTLY ROUSTED

RT @TweetsofOld: At the old bachelor’s house were observed innumerable and very large cock roaches, one of which filled a thread box. IA1898

SAW PROFESSOR FLETCHER’S MEDICINE SHOW UP NORTH STOP CAME DOWN WITH 6 PREVIOUSLY UNDIAGNOSED ILLNESSES & GALLON JAR OF ALL-PURPOSE OINTMENT

@sixwordideas @sixwordstories FOR SALE BABY SHOES LIGHTLY CHEWED

@sixwordideas @sixwordstories ESCHEW OBFUSCATION STOP DELIBERATE VERBIAGE ECONOMICALLY

@sixwordideas @sixwordstories BREVITY PARAMOUNT STOP KNOW WORDS’ VALUE

BOMB KILLS 1 IN UNION SQUARE STOP ANARCHIST BOMBER ON POINT OF HURLING IT LOST HIS STOMACH AS WENT OFF IN HANDS STOP GUTS NOW PAINTING KERB

PERFIDY STOP WENT DRINKING ON THE BOWERY LAST EVE WITH A SHINY NICKEL STOP FROM PROSPERITY TO PAUPERDOM IN LESS THAN 3 DRINKS STOP SEND CASH

DI DI DA DIT DI DI DAW DA DI DA DIT DA DI DAW DI DIT DA DIT DA DA DIT DA DI DA DIT DIT DA DIT DI DI DIT DA DA DAW DI DA DIT DI DI DIT

LIFE IN THE BIG CITY MOST EXCITING STOP WAS BEATEN & ROBBED TWICE STOP BY MOST FASCINATING CHARACTERS NOT LIKE SAME OLD DRUNKS BACK HOME

ARRIVED IN BIG CITY A WEEK AGO STOP SIGHTS SOUNDS SMELLS RECALL SUMMERS AT OUR QUAINT SWIMMING HOLE JUST DOWNSTREAM FROM THE SLAUGHTERHOUSES

@thecarljung DREAMT WRITTEN WORD WAS REPLACED BY TELEGRAPH KEYS IN EVERY HOME STOP SPEECH REPLACED WITH CACOPHONOUS CLACKING EVERYWHERE

@megancarpentier WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE OFF ALL CONGRESSMEN ARE PERVERTS ANYWAY

RT @megancarpentier: Congressman SHOULD be held to a higher standard than perverts.

REGRET TO INFORM YOUR SON PVT JOHN DOE DEAD STOP POSTHUMOUSLY PROMOTED FOR BRAVERY STOP HAD HE LIVED WOULD’VE HAD TO HANG HIM FOR COWARDICE

DREADFUL MEAL AT MORTON’S STOP TWO FILTHY IMMIGRANT LADIES LAUGHED AT ME ALL THROUGH LUNCH STOP SHANT HAVE THEIR FRIED WHOLE OX AU JUS AGAIN

PROFESSOR FLETCHER’S ALL-PURPOSE MEDICATED WHISKEY AND DENTRIFICE STOP GOOD FOR WHAT AILS YOU MORNING NOON AND NIGHT

BISMARCK’S PET EMPEROR WILHELM SUCCUMBS TO ANARCHIST’S BULLET STOP CAN THE ROYALISTS SAVE THE EMPIRE FROM BEING EXPOSED AS A REPUBLIC?

COAL DUST EXPLOSION AT COURRIERES STOP THOUSANDS FEARED DEAD STOP FRANCE MAY HAVE TO KEEP WARM BY BURNING CORPSES THIS WINTER

COAL MINE DISASTER STOP HUNDREDS PRESUMED DEAD IN COLLAPSE STOP COMPANY STOCK MAY WELL BE BURIED WITH THEM

SOME FOOL NAMED BELL CLAIMS PATENT ON LOVERS TELEGRAPH STOP WHO WANTS TO HEAR NAGGING BY VOICE WHEN TELEGRAMS ARE SO MUCH EASIER ON THE EAR?

R.B. HAYES WRESTS PRESIDENCY FROM TILDEN STOP A FREE ELECTION FAIRLY SOLD TO THE HIGHEST BIDDER

PROFESSOR FLETCHER’S SEALING WAX AND LINT REMOVER STOP THE FIRST INDUSTRIAL OFFICE SUPPLIES THAT BECOME MORE USEFUL WHEN USED ACCIDENTALLY

PROFESSOR FLETCHER’S ALL-PURPOSE LUBRICANT AND FERTILIZER STOP YOUR SQUEAKY WHEELS GET THE GREASE STOP YOUR BARREN FIELDS YIELDS’ INCREASE

@sixwordideas @FredNitti REMEMBER ALWAYS GET PAID CASH UPFRONT

RT @FredNitti: @sixwordideas LOVE LIFE, EMBRACE WISDOM, UTILIZE KNOWLEDGE…

ADVISE SUSPENDING BATTLEFIELD PROMOTIONS STOP DIRE SHORTAGES STOP SOLDIERS MELTING DOWN THEIR MEDALS FOR AMMUNITION

MY FAVORITE PART OF ANY SNOWSTORM IS KNOWING THE BODIES WON’T BE DISCOVERED UNTIL SPRING THAW

@megancarpentier WHEN I HEAR THE NAME STIGLITZ I THINK ALFRED STOP TO BE FAIR WHEN I HEAR THE NAME TARANTINO I THINK OF ST. VITUS’ DANCE

HAVE DISCOVERED PROVEN METHOD FOR SELLING ICEBOXES TO THE ESKIMOS STOP TOLD THEM IT’S WARMER INSIDE THAN OUT

THESE SO-CALLED AUTOMOBILES WILL BE THE DEATH OF US ALL STOP ONE NEARLY CLIPPED GRANDMA YESTERDAY STOP SHE WAS BARELY ABLE TO OUTRUN IT

DESPAIRING STOP EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN HAS BEEN DONE STOP ALL THE SONGS HAVE BEEN SUNG STOP ALL THE THINGS HAVE BEEN THUNG ALREADY

DINED AT MORTON’S STOP DON’T EVEN LIKE STEAK BUT I’D SELL MY CHILDREN FOR ANOTHER PLATE STOP MY KIDS TASTE AWFUL

PROFESSOR FLETCHER’S BATHTUB GIN DID A NUMBER ON ME LAST NIGHT STOP ARRESTING OFFICER ESTIMATED BETWEEN FIVE AND TEN

GOV’T ORDERS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS REINSTATED STOP ENERGY SAVINGS PART OF WAR EFFORT STOP NOW WE HAVE EXTRA HOUR TO ENJOY WAR SHORTAGES

FORD ORDERS RECALL OF ALL 1910 MODEL T CARS STOP SEEMS HENRY SUSPECTS DESIGNERS FARKAS AND GALAMB ARE SHEENIES NOT BOHUNKS

REGRET TO INFORM LT DALE KILLED IN ACTION STOP WENT AWOL WITH OUR CIGARETTE RATIONS STOP CAUSE WILL BE FRIENDLY FIRE SOON AS WE CAN FIND HIM

CONGRESS RATIFIES INCOME TAX AMENDMENT STOP AMERICA DOOMED TO PERPETUAL PAUPERDOM STOP 2% OUTRAGEOUS STOP IMAGINE 4% OR GOD FORBID 5%

VALENS HOLLY BIG BOPPER KILLED IN PLANE CRASH STOP FINALLY OUR LONG NATIONAL ROCK & ROLL NIGHTMARE OVER STOP KIDS CAN GO BACK TO RAGTIME

POLK BUYS MANIFEST DESTINY FROM MEXICANS STOP ONLY $15 MILLION AND 14,000 CASUALTIES STOP AT THIS RATE THE REST WILL ONLY COST $60 MILLION

PUNXSUTAWNEY RODENT REVELATION FORESHADOWS SIX MORE WINTER WEEKS STOP DID WE HEDGE OUR BETS ON THIS HOG?

YOUR EMINENCE STOP ARRIVED IN NEW PARISH TODAY STOP VENI VIDI VENIAL AND MORTAL SIN

HEIRESS DIES MYSTERIOUSLY STOP FAMILY FORTUNE UNSURPRISINGLY REMAINS SAFE FROM UNSAVORY FIANCEE STOP WHEN THEY ASK FOR PRENUP JUST AGREE

@SeanCrespo REMINDS ME OF WHEN I RAN FOR PRESIDENT STOP WHEN ASKED ABOUT OPPONENT’S BEST PLATFORM POINT SAID HIS MOTHER WAS A COMPLETE WHORE

KOLLAA HILL UNCAPTUREABLE STOP WE ALWAYS THOUGHT TROLLS WEREN’T REAL STOP IT SEEMS THEY ARE ALSO CRACK SHOTS

WHITE DEATH STALKS RED ARMY STOP 500 DEAD BY ONE FARMBOY’S RIFLE STOP THEY SAY HE SMELLS THE VODKA ON THEIR BREATH FROM KILOMETERS AWAY

HAPPY CHRISTMAS OLD MAN STOP SENT YOU XMAS CHEQUE MONDAY STOP NO DOUBT THIS REACHES YOU GOOD AND SLOSHED

@Vincent_vanGogh YOU CANNOT WIN ME BACK WITH YOUR ODD GIFTS STOP BESIDES WHICH YOU KNOW I AM A VEGETARIAN STOP FED IT TO THE LANDLADY’S DOG

RT @Vincent_vanGogh: I hope I have just had simply an artist’s fit, and then a lot of fever after very considerable loss of blood, as an …

HAPPY THANKSGIVING STOP ALL WISH YOU WERE HERE STOP LITTLE BILLY SAYS THIS YEAR HE’S THANKFUL FOR ALL THE SCALPS YOU’RE COLLECTING OUT WEST

SENDING A HALF A PENNY FOR THE FINEST SACKCLOTH MY DARLING

CANNOT SEND CASH STOP YOU DON’T NEED NEW DRESS STOP FASHION’S FOR THE UGLY STOP PRETTY GIRL LIKE YOU CAN WEAR SACK AND STILL CATCH HUSBAND

STORE GEARING UP FOR BLACK FRIDAY STOP MAYBE WE CAN SELL ALL THE STUFF LEFT OVER FROM BLACK TUESDAY WEDNESDAY AND THURSDAY

THE PRESIDENT’S GOOSE SEEMS COOKED STOP HOW CAN WE HAVE HIGH UNEMPLOYMENT AND SOCIALISM STOP THOUGHT FDR HAD A NEW DEAL

MOTHER STOP FATHER STOP ELOPED WITH CHIEF NEW MOON STOP HAPPY THANKSGIVING YOU WHITE DEVIL TURKEYS

CHRISTMAS HAS BECOME SO COMMERCIAL AND RELIGIOUS STOP RECALL THE GREAT RIOTS OF XMASES PAST LIKE 1838 STOP MORE SATURNALIA THAN ST. NICK

ANNOUNCING COAST-TO-COAST DIRECT DIALING SERVICE FROM THE PHONE COMPANY STOP RUN IN AND TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS

NOVEMBER 11TH 1918 THEY ARE CALLING THE RUGBY MATCH ABROAD STOP HOSTILITIES TO CEASE STOP LINGERING RESENTMENTS TO REMAIN STEADY

MORGAN FINDS LIVINGSTONE ENSCONCED DEEP IN DARK CONTINENT STOP HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO FIND THE ONLY OTHER WHITE FACE IN THE WHOLE JUNGLE?

YOU THINK YOU’RE SO SMART STOP IT REALLY IS COMING OUT OF YOUR SHARE STOP ALSO THE COPS ARE LOOKING FOR YOU STOP YOU JERK

SORRY YOUR CODE’S CONFUSING STOP THIS MESSAGE NOT IN CODE REPEAT NOT IN CODE STOP PARANOIA COSTS TELEGRAM FEES STOP COMING OUT OF YOUR SHARE

DOES REPEAT MEAN THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU JUST SAID? STOP THE COAST IS CLEAR AGAIN CLEAR STOP NO ONE CAME LOOKING FOR YOU OR THE PAINTINGS

THE COAST IS CLEAR REPEAT CLEAR STOP NO ONE CAME LOOKING FOR YOU OR THE PAINTINGS AT ALL

FLETCHER’S INJUN-PROOF COVERED WAGONS STOP FINE WORKMANSHIP IS WATERTIGHT AND REDSKIN RESISTANT STOP WARRANTY NOT VALID WEST OF MISSISSIPPI

THEM REDSKINS CAN’T HOLD THOSE UNASSIGNED LANDS ALL TO THEMSELVES STOP LET’S SETTLE OKLAHOMA SOONER RATHER THAN LATER

NO REPORT FROM SCOUTING PARTY STOP FOUND ARMY UNIFORMS AND WEAPONS BY RIVER BANK STOP THEY’VE EITHER DROWNED OR GONE OVER TO THE REDSKINS

SURROUNDED BY REDSKINS HERE STOP SEND RIFLES WHISKEY AND REAMS OF YOUR FINEST TREATY PARCHMENT STOP WE’LL ROUST THEM FROM THIS COUNTY YET

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON STOP THIS YEAR INSTEAD OF PRESENTS WE’RE JUST TELLING ALL THE KIDS THEY’RE ADOPTED STOP SOME DAY YOU’LL UNDERSTAND

TO THE PEOPLE OF ARGENTINA STOP CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR NEW TELEGRAPH CABLE STOP HAVE BEEN GRANTED PATENT STOP ROYALTIES DUE STOP T. EDISON

HOUDINI SOCKED IN STOMACH BY ANATOMY STUDENT AT MCGILL’S STRATHCONA HALL DURING ART CLASS STOP SOMEDAY THEY’LL LET THAT KID USE A SCALPEL

BANK RUN ON KNICKERBOCKER TRUST TODAY THREATENS COLLAPSE OF WALL ST STOP LET’S ENSURE LAST CENTURY’S MISTAKES SHAN’T BE REPEATED IN 1907

CHRIST RETURNS TO EARTH TODAY STOP DATE CALCULATED BY REVEREND MILLER WITH PERFECT FAITH STOP REPEATED BY DESPERATE BOOKIES WITH GLEE

GOOD NEWS FROM THE FRONT STOP HILL 235 RETAKEN STOP BAD NEWS STOP HILL NOW 35 MILES BEHIND ENEMY LINES

YOUR CHILD HAS EITHER DEVELOPED GLANDULAR CONDITION OR BECOME ADEPT AT HOARDING FOOD STOP HIS FELLOW INMATES HAVE DUBBED HIM BALLOON BOY

DARLING THIS LONG DEPLOYMENT IS TERRIBLY DULL STOP HOW IS THE DOG STOP FOR THAT MATTER HOW ARE OUR CHILDREN

I FEAR THE TELEGRAPH WILL PLUNGE THIS GREAT NATION INTO TOTAL ILLITERACY BY 1900 STOP ENGLISH WILL BE SURVIVED ONLY BY DITS AND DAWS

SURVIVED GREAT PERFIDY AT SEA STOP BANDITS MADE OFF WITH OUR RUM SUPPLIES AT LAST PORT CALL STOP CREW HAS MUTINIED EVERY DAY SINCE

MANY THANKS FOR SPLENDID ROCKET SET STOP YOUR NEPHEW IS OVER THE MOON FOR IT STOP MY NEW WIFE WISHES HIM TO STAY THERE WITH THE DAMNED THING

PLEASE REFUND LAST ORDER STOP 200 BOTTLES MOONSHINE MISLABELED CLEANING FLUID STOP ENTIRE JANITORIAL STAFF HOSPITALIZED

MUST REPORT I WAS FIRED FROM DITCH DIGGING JOB STOP THEY CAUGHT ME MOONLIGHTING AS A DITCH FILLER DURING LUNCH BREAK

@linajk BEEN 3 WEEKS STOP WITHOUT RECOMPENSE WILL RETURN UNSOLD PRODUCE BY AIR STOP I’LL RENT BARNBURNER AND DROP THEM OFF ON YOUR HOUSE

RT @linajk APPLE REFUND IMPOSSIBLE STOP THE EARLY BIRDS WILL EAT EAT THE WORMS STOP SUGGEST YOU CHARGE THEM STOP ENJOY YOUR APPLES

RECEIVED THIRTY BUSHELS OF APPLES STOP UPON CLOSER INSPECTION DISCOVERED ABOUT THREE BUSHELS OF WORMS STOP PLEASE REFUND DIFFERENCE

YOUR BASTARD SON KNOCKED UP MY PRECIOUS ANGEL AND REFUSES TO MARRY NOW YOU KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE NOT TO HAVE THE APPLE FALL FAR FROM THE TREE

TEHRAN BUREAU REPORTS SHAH’S GRASP ON OIL FIELDS SHAKY STOP CIRCUS SUGGESTS AFFIRMING HIS GRIP WITH KID GLOVES AND A FEW STRAIGHT RAZORS

CONGRATULATIONS ON NEW ASSIGNMENT STOP HEAR SIBERIA IS LOVELY THIS TIME OF YEAR STOP AND JUST THINK- TOMORROW WILL BE SPRING!

@kevin_nealon ASK ABOUT THE ECONOMY STOP OUR NATION WIPED OUT BY WALL STREET THIEVES GOULD & FISK STOP WHAT’LL THAT DRUNK GRANT DO ANYWAY?

ARRIVED AT FINAL DESTINATION LATE LAST NIGHT STOP MORNING FINDS CITY TEEMING WITH LIFE STOP ALSO HOTEL ROOM

@linajk YOU SAY I SWALLOWED SOME DIAMOND STOP IT’S BEEN OVER TWO DAYS STOP FEEL FREE TO RUMMAGE THROUGH MY EFFECTS

RT @linajk@telegramslost CLIENT NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR GALLSTONE STOP HE IS HOLDING OUT FOR THE DIAMOND YOU SWALLOWED

PLEASE TELL YOUR CLIENT I HAVE FOUND A BRILLIANT STONE FOR HIM AT THE PRICE HE QUOTED STOP IT WAS REMOVED FROM ME THIS MORNING

RECEIVED DEFECTIVE ORDER FROM SUPPLIER STOP HE ASSURED ME IT’S ALL WOOL AND A YARD WIDE STOP ORDER WAS FOR A BOLT OF MOLESKIN

YOUR BOY IS SIMPLY OUT OF CONTROL STOP RELEASED HIM FROM OUR REFORMATORY SIX MONTHS EARLY STOP LAST SEEN IN WOODS WITH CORPSE OF INSTRUCTOR

@linajk IF IT’S OFFICE SUPPLY WAR YOU WANT YOU HAVE IT STOP YOU’RE NOTHING BUT A PAPER TIGER STOP WE’VE GOT THE CORRECTION FLUID BOMB

SENT TO INVESTIGATE RUMORS CHINESE WILL LAUNCH ROCKETS SOON STOP WENT TO CHINATOWN IN FEBRUARY STOP LAUNCH VERIFIED

PLEASE UPDATE LAST ORDER STOP BOX OF PENS REAM OF PAPER ONE JAR SEALING WAX STOP EXPECT HANDWRITTEN CRITICISM OF YOUR OFFICE SUPPLIES

WEALTHY LONER LEAVES TITANIC WEALTH TO BELOVED PRIZE STALLION STOP HANDLERS SWEAR HORSE CAN SPEAK STOP STABLE BOY CAUGHT FORGING HOOFPRINTS

LUXURIOUS AND UNSINKABLE HMS TITANIC REPORTED MERELY LUXURIOUS SOMEWHERE IN NORTH ATLANTIC

PROFESSOR FLETCHER AND I TO WED STOP SAYS HE IS A MAGICIAN STOP OUR RENT APPEARS EVERY MONTH BUT I AM FORBIDDEN TO ASK HOW TRICK IS DONE

SHACKLETON BRAVES UNIMAGINABLE CONDITIONS IN ANTARCTIC EXPEDITION STOP NOT A SINGLE MAN LOST STOP NOR SINGLE FLAG PLANTED STOP LAYABOUTS

CARAVAN ATTACKED BY INDIAN BRAVES STOP THEY HAD MUSKETS THIS TIME STOP WE MUST ENSURE THEY NEVER GET HOLD OF LAWYERS

MOB OF ANGRY PROTESTERS CALL ON GOV TO STAY EXECUTION STOP DEMANDING BETTER VIEW OF SCAFFOLD AND PORTABLE TOILETS

@linajk SUPPOSE THE WIRE LEADING BEHIND THE DRAPES AND CLICKING NOISE FROM TELEGRAPH KEY GAVE YOUR POSITION AWAY

CAN’T SAY I’M WILD ABOUT THE NEW DRAPES STOP HAVE DECIDED TO MOVE TO ANOTHER TOWN AND GET REMARRIED EFFECTIVE LAST WEEK STOP

GOOD NEWS STOP BUSINESS BOOMING STOP CUSTOMER BASE EXPLODING STOP BAD NEWS STOP OUR STORE IS LITERALLY BOOMING AND EXPLODING STOP SEND HELP

ENGLISH KING ABDICATES ABDUCTING AMERICAN DIVORCEE WITH HIM STOP THEY HAVE LEFT PALACE AND ARE TAKING TO THE AIR FRANCE NEXT STOP

BLACK BART SIGHTED IN DENVER STOP SEND HORSES GUNS AND PETTICOATS STOP THAT WAY WE GOT SOMETHING TO HIDE BEHIND IF HORSES & GUNS DON’T WORK

@VildeChaya RECEIVED REQUEST FOR GINGERBREAD COOKIE FUNDS STOP IF IT’S MOLASSES FLOODING STREETS AT LEAST THERE’S NO RUSH

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN STEAL MY POSITION AS CHIEF SURGEON STOP I’VE GOT THE LAST LAUGH STOP I LICKED EVERYTHING IN THE HOSPITAL BEFORE I LEFT

GOLD NUGGETS FOUND AT SUTTER’S MILL STOP WON’T BE LONG BEFORE THEY FIND SUTTER NUGGETS JUDGING FROM ALL THE HYSTERIA RUNNING THROUGH TOWN

@linajk JUST BECAUSE YOU DIP TAPEWORM IN CHLOROFORM DOESN’T GRANT YOU PATENT FOR DUCT TAPE STOP CALLING MY LAWYER SOON AS HE’S DONE SUING ME

SUFFER NO MORE FROM BROKEN BONES STOP DR FLETCHER’S SKELETAL FORTIFIER CURES FRACTURES STOP IMMOBILIZES YOU LONG ENOUGH TO HEAL ANY WOUND

@VildeChaya WHAT FURTHER INSULTS TO CHASTITY WILL SCIENCE MAKE POSSIBLE STOP SOON THEY’LL FIND WAY TO SEND UNTOWARD DRAWINGS BY WIRE

@linajk SENATE BROUHAHA RESUMES AS ARGUMENT BREAKS OUT OVER BEST WAY TO SCREW CONSTITUENTS STOP ERUPTS INTO VIOLENCE STOP NO DISTRICT SPARED

SENATOR SUMNER DECRIES VIOLENCE IN BLEEDING KANSAS THREE DAYS AGO STOP TODAY SUMNER CRIES VIOLENCE FROM BLEEDING SENATE

BROOKS FLOGS SUMNER ON SENATE FLOOR WITH WOODEN CANE STOP 1ST RECORDED USE IN SESSION STOP IT BEATS THE FILIBUSTER STOP WITH A STICK

BROUHAHA IN SENATE STOP THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN FROM SC BROADLY BEAT SENATOR SUMNER WITH HIS CANE STOP LEFT DISTINGUISHING MARKS

@linajk THEY MUST THINK ROBERT MOSES CAN DO ANYTHING STOP WHO’S NOAH?

TORNADO DESTROYED STORE STOP JUST TOOK OUT LARGE FIRE INSURANCE POLICY STOP WAS ACROSS TOWN BUYING GASOLINE AND MATCHES WHEN STORM HIT

FLOOD WATERS THREATEN LEVYS STOP ALSO ALSO THE HOMES OF THEIR GOD-FEARING CHRISTIAN NEIGHBORS

@hodgman DON’T WHAT? STOP

@critterblogs HEARD YOU HAVE A SECRET INGREDIENT FOR NEW ELIXIR STOP TELL THOSE NATIVES WE’LL BUY THE WHOLE CROP STOP LET’S CLEAN THEM OUT

RT @critterblogs NATIVES GAVE ME TONIC OF PALM LEAF STOP WITH FRONDS LIKE THESE WHO NEEDS ENEMAS STOP

BIRTHDAY SALUTE TO PRESIDENT KENNEDY TONIGHT STOP NO-SHOW ETHEL MERMAN WAS TO SING “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” STOP MIGHT AS WELL CANCEL WHOLE EVENT

WILDE FREED QUESTION REMAINS STOP WHY DOESN’T THE CROWN PROSECUTE EVERY BOY AT PUBLIC OR PRIVATE SCHOOL AND HALF THE MEN IN THE UNIVERSITIES

OSCAR WILDE RELEASED FROM READING GAOL STOP THE CROWN MAY NOW BE CERTAIN HIS HOMOSEXUAL PROCLIVITIES HAVE BEEN DULY CURED IN PRISON

BATTLE OF SPOTSYLVANIA COURTHOUSE OVER STOP VICTOR UNCLEAR BETWEEN GRANT AND LEE STOP GAINS CERTAIN TO BE OVERTURNED ON APPEAL

MEXICO CEDES LANDS NORTH OF RIO GRANDE STOP EXCHANGED DEBT FOR HOSTILITIES WITH US STOP TRADED WHAT THEY DON’T WANT FOR WHAT THEY CAN’T GIVE

WE REGRET TO INFORM STOP YOUR SON PVT. JOHN DOE KILLED STOP FOUGHT ENEMY BRAVELY DURING ACTION STOP FOUGHT SYPHILIS BRAVELY DURING FURLOUGH

RT @TheTweetWriter POTS, MARGE LETS NORAH SEE SHARON’S TELEGRAM STOP

@linajk DOMINOES MUST REFUND CREDIT CARD CHARGE STOP DELIVERY BOY BARELY LASTED 30 MINUTES STOP HIS INCOHERENT RAMBLINGS COULD SAVE THIS WAR

@linajk WE GIVE HALF TO THE WIFE AND YOU RUN OFF WITH THE MISTRESS NOTHING STAYS IN VEGAS STOP CUT ME OUT AT OWN PERIL STOP SHARE OR ELSE

“SHOOT FIRST ASK QUESTIONS LATER” POLICY UNDER FIRE FROM OFFICER CORPS STOP FRESH RECRUITS KEEP ASKING WHICH WAY TO POINT THEIR GUNS

CAPTURED SUSPECTED ENEMY AGENT STOP CLAIMS HE IS NONCOMBATANT STOP EITHER WAY WE’LL BEAT IT OUT OF HIM

ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT STOP WITH THE EXCEPTION OF SCHULTZ STOP HE SNORES LIKE MACHINE GUN FIRE

DARLING SUMMER HERE IS UNBEARABLE STOP MALARIA AND DYSENTERY STOP AWFUL HEAT BY DAY ROVING BEASTS AT NIGHT STOP WISH YOU WERE HERE

HAVE YOU HEARD STOP MILITARY CENSORSHIP LIFTED STOP WE CAN FINALLY TELL THE KING WHAT A FINE FUDGE HE IS

LOCAL CURRENCY COLLAPSED STOP YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE WHAT I HAD TO DO TO OPERATOR TO GET THIS TELEGRAM SENT

SELL THE HOUSE STOP SELL THE CAR STOP SELL THE KIDS

@linajk HOPEFULLY I WILL NEVER BE INCAPACITATED BEYOND THE ABILITY TO TAP OUT CRY FOR HELP IN MORSE CODE

@linajk @TweetCapsule ONLY TELEGRAPHIC CORRESPONDENCE AND PIGEON-CARRIED MAIL RETURNED STOP I SHOOT PIGEONS STOP BEST TO SEND TELEGRAMS

@TweetCapsule IF “A ROARING AUTO THAT SOUNDS LIKE IT RUNS ON MACHINE-GUN FIRE IS MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN WINGED NIKE” HAVE I GOT THE CAR FOR YOU

@TweetCapsule SE “UN AUTOMOBILE RUGGENTE CHE SEMBRA CORRERE SULLA MITRAGLIA E PIU BELLA DELLA VITTORIA DI SAMOTRACE” TE VENDERO UNA MACCHINA

@linajk THE COUNCIL OF ASTRONOMERS HAS RECEIVED YOUR REQUEST STOP PLEASE WIRE US YOUR INITIAL OFFER FOR PLANETARY NAMING RIGHTS IN DOLLARS

NAMING NEW PLANET STOP PLEASE CONSIDER PLUTO STOP SUGGESTED BY SMALL GIRL VENETIA BURNEY FOR DARK AND GLOOMY PLANET

@linajk SIAM TONGUE THAI’D STOP THAIS FEEL FOREVER TIED TO THEIR SIAMESE BROTHERS AND SISTERS

MT CHURCHES BLESS CONGRESS FOR ESTABLISHING GLACIER NATIONAL PARK STOP SAY THOSE GLACIERS WILL MELT BEFORE WE LOSE OUR GRACE IN GOD’S EYES

PULLMAN WORKERS STRIKE IN CHICAGO STOP LED BY MAN NAMED DEBS STOP WILDCAT STRIKERS RUN WILD BUT COULD BE WORSE STOP DEBS COULD BE A PINKO

SIAM CHANGES NAME TO THAILAND STOP NATIONALITY OF SIAMESE TWINS REMAINS UNCHANGED

@linajk PICNIC SOUNDS LOVELY STOP YOU BRING THE BASKET STOP I’LL BRING THE ANTS

DONE AND DONE

TRANSCONTINENTAL RR TO DRIVE LAST SPIKE TODAY AT PROMONTORY SUMMIT UTAH STOP SOLID GOLD NAIL TO BE DRIVEN AT NOON STOP EXPECT STOLEN BY 1:30

@linajk NO VIRTUE LEFT IN THIS LAND STOP CAN’T EVEN FIND VIRGIN TRAIN TRACKS LET ALONE BLONDE STOP SEEMS “MADONNA” WILL DO STOP ANYTHING

@VildeChaya NO ROPE TO SEND STOP APOLOGIES FOR LATE REPLY STOP PEOPLE ARE STILL TYING VIRGINS TO PONY EXPRESS TRAILS IN THESE PARTS

RT @VildeChaya NEED TO TIE BLONDE VIRGIN TO RAILROAD TRACKS STOP SEND ROPE STOP WILL WAIT PATIENTLY TWIRLING MOUSTACHE TO PASS TIME

YOU MAY FIRE WHOLE WRITING STAFF IF YOU WISH STOP IF YOU’VE NOTHING NEW TO SAY YOU BETTER HAVE SOMETHING OLD WELL PREPARED

YOUR FULL THICK MANHOOD ASSURED STOP ENVIED BY ALL GENTLEMEN LUSTED AFTER BY EVERY LADY STOP DR. FLETCHER’S MOUSTACHE OINTMENT & SHOE POLISH

DISCOUNT SOFTWARE! STOP MERE NICKELS A BOLT FOR GOODLY FABRICS WORTH TWO BITS A YARD STOP CHEAP PATCHES TOO

HELLO I AM A NIGERIAN PRINCE STOP QUEEN BEING HELD BY SPANIARDS STOP 10% OF $5000 RANSOM PAID DISCREETLY WILL YIELD $1000 FROM GRATEFUL KING

DR. FLETCHER’S HERBAL TONIC CURES ALL DISEASE STOP SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN HEALING PROPERTIES OF MERCURY VAPORS AND ARSENIC SALTS STOP ONLY $5

HANDSOME MAIDS WISH TELEGRAPHIC CORRESPONDENCE WITH YOU STOP DEMURE YET YIELDING STOP WILL ARRANGE MEETING FOR NOMINAL FEE STOP WIRE CASH

@VildeChaya MARVIN SEND SOME OF THOSE MUSICIANS MY WAY STOP FIRST MAKE SURE NONE OF THEM KNOW ANY LAWYERS OR ACCOUNTANTS

GOOD NEWS BATTLEFIELD PROMOTION ASSURED HERE STOP WILL SOON ATTAIN RANK OF COLONEL STOP HOWEVER FAIRLY CERTAIN COMMISSION WILL BE POSTHUMOUS

WALKER LEFT TODAY ON NICARAGUAN EXPEDITION STOP GATHERED 60 FREEBOOTERS TO CONQUER JUNGLE STOP CROWD OF WELL-WISHERS BADE GOOD RIDDANCE

@critterblogs SEARS ROEBUCK DEEPLY REGRETS ERROR STOP SENDING 30 GALLONS HIGH-GRADE AIRPLANE GLUE INSTEAD

RT @critterblogs @telegramslost SEARS CATALOG FAILED TO NOTE HOUSE ORDERED NEEDED ASSEMBLY STOP SEND 200 BOXES NAILS AND 100 BOTTLES WHISKEY

DEWEY REPORTS MIGHTY SPANISH FLEET IN MANILA BAY SURRENDERED IN 7 HOURS FLAT STOP CHIEF ENGINEER OF USS MCCULLOGH DEAD OF HEART ATTACK

YIDDISH STAGE AND SCREEN STAR @JoshMalina RUMORED ILL STOP REPORTED SNEEZING AND MAKING CHICKEN SOUP STOP NISHTUGEDACHT

@critterblogs WORLD RECEIVED YOUR MESSAGE STOP NOT ALONE IN BEING ALONE STOP DISPATCHED 100,000,000 BOTTLES WITH REPLY STOP CHECK BEACH

RT @critterblogs @telegramslost SENDING OUT AN SOS TO THE WORLD STOP PERHAPS MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE WOULD WORK TOO STOP

RECEIVED REQUEST FOR 6FT GOLD CROSS FOR THAT FAT BASTARD BRYAN STOP ENGINEERS SAY MUST BE GOLD PLATED INSTEAD FOR STRUCTURAL SUPPORT

RT @telegramslost CALLING WILLIAM JENNINGS BRYAN’S BLUFF STOP SEND SIX FOOT TALL CROSS OF GOLD STOP LETS END THIS BIMETALLIST HUMBUG STOP

HAWAII REPUBLIC DECLARED US TERRITORY STOP CONSTITUTIONAL MONARCHY NOW DEAD LETTER STOP SANFORD B. DOLE DECLARED TOP BANANA

@PresidentTaft IF YOUR DIET CONSISTS SOLELY OF LITTLE GOLD CHIPS AND DIAMOND JUICE YOUR PLUMBER MUST BE A WEALTHY MAN

APOLOGIES FOR DELAY OF YOUR ORDER STOP MOST OF MY WORKERS ARE OUT SICK WITH INFLUENZA STOP REST ARE OUT DEAD

@VildeChaya RECEIVED YOUR CHALLENGE STOP PISTOLS AT DAWN IT IS STOP IF I ARRIVE LATE START WITHOUT ME

ENEMY SOLDIERS FAST APPROACHING STOP MOTHERS HIDE YOUR DAUGHTERS STOP CHILDREN HIDE YOUR PETS

JOHN WILKES BOOTH EMERGES FROM HIDING IN ROLE OF LIFETIME STOP CORPSE CARRIED OUT OF BARN BY UNION SOLDIERS

@critterblogs LUGGING THE LIKES OF TAFT OVER SIERRA NEVADAS IS A WORTHY GOAL FOR OUR NATION STOP HOW MANY WOULD DIE CHASING SUCH A DREAM?

RT @telegramslost IT IS TOO BAD UNCLE DONNER WAS NOT WITH @presidenttaft STOP AN ARM WOULD HAVE PROVIDED PROVISIONS FOR AN YEAR STOP

@critterblogs AT LEAST ONLY MONEY WAS LOST STOP HEARD TELL SOME OF THOSE FELLOWS HAVE LOST APPENDAGES TO VARIOUS DISEASES

RT @telegramslost NO WONDER YOU LOST MONEY ON THAT MARE STOP ALL OF THE MEN AT THE PUB HAVE HAD A RIDE ON THAT HORSE NAMED CARRIE STOP

@critterblogs STRANGE, SURVIVORS SAID ULTIMATELY GEORGE WASN’T THE MOST RESOURCEFUL OF THE PARTY

RT @telegramslost I HAD AN UNCLE NAMED GEORGE DONNER WHO WENT WEST TO CALIFORNIA STOP HE EDUCATED ME IN RESOURCEFULNESS STOP

@critterblogs POPPYCOCK STOP EVERYONE KNOWS IN 100 YEARS WE WILL ALL WEAR TROPOSPHERE-AGE FABRICS

RT @telegramslost MET MR LEHMAN AND BROTHERS AT COTTON EXCHANGE STOP PREDICT THEIR FIRM WILL STILL BE IN THE NEWS IN A HUNDRED YEARS STOP

@critterblogs YOUR ACCOUNT OF PAINTING IN TITANIC SAFE INTRIGUING STOP DID YOU BUY IT OFF A MERMAID?

RT @telegramslost PAINTING WAS ON SAFE IN SHIP STOP WAS OF WOMAN WEARING DIAMOND ON TITANIC STOP IT WAS THE SHIP OF DREAMS STOP

@critterblogs IF IT’S TAFT WHO’S STUCK BETTER ALERT MINNESOTA TOO

RT @telegramslost WISCONSIN EXPERIENCING BUTTER SHORTAGE STOP HAD TO SEND TO WHITE HOUSE AS @presidenttaft WAS STUCK IN TUB STOP

@critterblogs RECEIVED REQUEST FOR PROVISIONS AND FIREARMS STOP SENT FINE RIFLE BUT NO PROVISIONS STOP BE RESOURCEFUL

RT @telegramslost AT THE FACTORY FOR A LONG SHIFT STOP SEND LUNCH PAIL COFFEE AND SHOTGUN STOP

@critterblogs HOW CURIOUS STOP LOST A GREAT DEAL BETTING ON A HORSE NAMED CARRIE THAT TURNED OUT TO BE BRAYING SPINSTER

RT @telegramslost MET FOUR TRAGIC SPINSTER TYPES AT THE RACES STOP NAMES WERE CARRIE CHARLOTTE MIRANDA AND SAMANTHA STOP

@critterblogs SUSPECT TITANIC PAINTING A FAKE STOP EITHER PAINTING’S ALL WET OR YOU ARE

RT @telegramslost SELLING LOVELY PAINTING BY ARTIST NAMED JACK DAWSON STOP VERY VALUABLE WAS ON HMS TITANIC STOP

GOOD NEWS FROM DOCTOR STOP CHOLERA LIKELY NOT FATAL STOP GANGRENE OUTLOOK LESS ROSY

ALFERD PACKER NOTORIOUS CANNIBAL REPORTED DEAD OF OLD AGE STOP SMALL FUNERAL FOLLOWED BY LIGHT SUPPER

CONGRATULATIONS ON PRACTICAL HELIUM EXTRACTION METHOD STOP ENDLESS COMMERCIAL APPLICATIONS STOP FUTURE GENERATIONS OF NON-CASTRATI THANK YOU

@critterblogs EVIDENTLY BURLESQUE SCHOOLS QUITE EXPENSIVE STOP PASTIES NEVER GIVE UP THEIR SECRETS CHEAPLY

@critterblogs MUST THE WRIGLEYS POLLUTE THE CITY WITH THEIR STADIUM LIKE CHEWING GUM STUCK TO BOTTOM OF CIVIC SHOE STOP I HEREBY CURSE THEM

@michaelianblack RT HOW DISTRESSING STOP THIS PEPPER FELLOW SOUNDS LIKE A QUACK STOP QUIT DRINKING THE STUFF UNTIL MEDICAL LICENSE VERIFIED

@PresidentTaft VISITED DC WITH FAMILY STOP CHILDREN EXCITED TO SEE 1ST HOT AIR BALLOON STOP IMAGINE DISAPPOINTMENT WHEN TURNED OUT TO BE YOU

PROSELYTIZING SAVAGES NOT GOING WELL STOP BUT PLEASE SEND MORE PAMPHLETS STOP SEVERE LACK OF FIREWOOD IN THESE PARTS STOP

GENERAL HAVE FINALLY TRACKED DOWN THE ENEMY STOP WE ARE TOTALLY SURROUNDED STOP THEY’LL NEVER GET AWAY THIS TIME

@critterblogs DEAR GOD WHAT HAVE I BEEN DRINKING STOP WHY DOES IT ALWAYS LEAVE MY MOUTH SO DRY?

@VildeChaya “PANTS MADE OF TENT CANVAS?” STOP NO NEED TO BE COY STOP PROSTITUTION IS LEGAL HERE

@critterblogs HOPEFULLY QUAKE WILL KNOCK LOOSE A FEW NUGGETS STOP I’M LOSING MY SHIRT IN THIS RIVER

@critterblogs HOW DISTRESSING STOP THIS PEPPER FELLOW SOUNDS LIKE A QUACK STOP QUIT DRINKING THE STUFF UNTIL YOU VERIFY MEDICAL LICENSE

@VildeChaya IF ROOM STOPS SPINNING AND LIGHTBULB REMAINS UNSCREWED CLEARLY THERE IS MUCH DRINKING LEFT TO DO

@VildeChaya WALT, CAN YOU MAKE THE MOUSE WHISTLE? STOP STEPPED ON ONE THE OTHER DAY AND MY CHILDREN WERE DELIGHTED BY FUNNY NOISE IT MADE

@critterblogs $25000 FOR SPIRITS OUTRAGEOUS STOP BOSTON CAN HOLD ITS OWN DAMN SEANCES ON ST PATRICK’S DAY

@VildeChaya UNDERSTAND SODA FOUNTAIN FLOODING STORE STOP SENDING SEVERAL BARRELS ICED-CREAM TO HELP YOU STAY AFLOAT

@critterblogs SORRY CANNOT COMPLY STOP YOU TELL BILLY WAR IS OVER STOP WHENEVER I APPROACH AM PELTED WITH GRAPESHOT AND SHOUTS OF “YANKEE”

YOUR TOWN MUST BE EXCITED TO GET RAIL LINE EXTENSION AND STATION STOP NOW WHEN I DON’T VISIT IT WILL BE BECAUSE I DON’T LIKE YOU

FAMED ACTOR MACREADY TOURING COUNTRYSIDE STOP HOW MANY EGGS AND TOMATOES WILL BE SACRIFICED TO DEFEND ART?

@VildeChaya EXCITED BY YOUR BUSINESS PROPOSAL STOP WHERE CAN I GET MY HANDS ON $21 MILLION WORTH OF CORNED BEEF?

RECEIVED YOUR GRACIOUS GIFT OF TOP-NOTCH FURNITURE POLISH MANY THANKS STOP FOR SOME REASON IS MISLABELED “WHISKEY” STOP

RECKON FIRE AT COMPETING FACTORY WILL TREBLE OUR INVENTORY’S VALUE STOP MORTALLY WOUNDED DURING RESEARCH PROCESS STOP

DARLING YOUR LOVE SUSTAINS ME DURING THIS LONG DEPLOYMENT STOP GREAT NEWS ABOUT THE NEW BABY STOP HOW IS THE LITTLE BASTARD? STOP

RECEIVED YOUR “FUNNY” DAGUERREOTYPE STOP WHY ANYONE WOULD STAND PERFECTLY STILL FOR 5 MINUTES EXPOSING THEIR BUTTOCKS IS BEYOND ME STOP

VISITED FACTORY EXCELLENT PROGRESS STOP HAVE MADE 3 MILLION EDIBLE NAILS STOP LET’S HOPE GINGERBREAD HOUSING BOOM WILL CONTINUE STOP

RECEIVED LATEST DISPATCH FROM THE FRONT STOP IF WAR KEEPS UP AS SUCH IT WILL SOON BE THE BEHIND STOP

@critterblogs WINSLOW SAYS YOUR ASS SOMEWHAT GAMY OTHERWISE DELICIOUS STOP LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE’S ROWING HOME STOP

@VildeChaya YOU CHICAGOANS SURE LOVE BBQ CAN ALMOST SMELL IT FROM HERE STOP WILL ARRIVE IN 3 DAYS STOP WAIT, I CAN SMELL IT FROM HERE STOP

@critterblogs DON’T WORRY STOP HAVE EVERY CONFIDENCE THE LOSS OF YOUR BERTH ON HMS TITANIC WILL BE NO GREAT TRAGEDY STOP

TO MY OLDEST PAL THE GROOM- CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR NEW YOUNG WIFE STOP TO THE BRIDE- MY PRE-EMPTIVE CONDOLENCES STOP

@critterblogs MUST BE ALL THE SUGAR STOP HAVE BEEN DRINKING BROWN FOR YEARS TO NO EFFECT STOP

@critterblogs THIS COCA-COLA DRINK SOUNDS INTERESTING STOP CANNOT FIND ANY HERE STOP PLEASE SEND RECIPE STOP

@critterblogs CAN’T FIND TOOTHACHE REMEDY FROM DENTIST STOP PLEASE LOOK AROUND WAS VERY EXPENSIVE STOP BROWN BOTTLE LABELED “HEROIN” STOP

@critterblogs IN POSSESSION OF LARGE STOCK OF SHOES STOP CAN YOU ARRANGE SIMILAR FIRE NEAR YOU? STOP

@critterblogs HAVE SECURED MONEY FOR TICKETS TO WIRE YOU STOP PLEASE SEND RIGHT AWAY ALSO ANY WOODEN LEGS YOU MAY HAVE LYING AROUND STOP

@critterblogs PLEASE SEND TICKETS STOP WILL PAY IN GOOD TIME BUT PRESENT FINANCIAL SITUATION DIRE STOP CAN’T EVEN PAY FOR THIS TELEGR

WHEAT CROP FAILED STOP CORN FIELDS DESTROYED STOP HOWEVER FAMILY FARM HOLDING UP WELL SINCE WE SWITCHED TO RAISING LOCUSTS STOP

@VildeChaya MANY FLY BARS IN HAVANA STOP SUGGEST ORDERING A STRONG CUBA LIBRE THERE STOP DON’T ASK FOR ONE TOO LOUDLY NEAR ANY POLICE STOP

ISLAND FLORA BEAUTIFUL STOP MOSQUITOS AS BIG AS HUMAN HEADS STOP THOUGH LOCAL TRIBE ARE HEADHUNTERS AND SHRINKERS STOP

FINALLY ARRIVED AT DESTINATION AFTER ARDUOUS JOURNEY STOP WILL SEND WHEREABOUTS AS SOON AS CAN BE ASCERTAINED FROM LOCALS STOP

CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING NAMED ROYAL ENVOY TO HABU-HABU STOP PLEASE COLLECT AS MUCH OF PREVIOUS ENVOY AS POSSIBLE AND SHIP HIM HOME STOP

FINALLY RECEIVED SHIPMENT STOP 10,000 OF THE RIGHT SHOES STOP MANY THANKS STOP PLEASE SEND THE LEFT SHOES AT EARLIEST CONVENIENCE STOP

SUFFERED SMALL ACCIDENT STOP DON’T WORRY FINGERS REMAIN ATTACHED STOP CANNOT SAY THE SAME FOR HAND STOP

DEEPLY REGRET TO INFORM YOU THAT YOUR FIANCEE PVT. JOHN DOE KILLED IN ACTION APR. 15TH STOP TAKE SOLACE STOP WAS RIDDLED WITH SYPHILIS STOP

TERRIBLE TRAGEDY STOP MINE COLLAPSE STOP DOZENS OF WORKERS KILLED STOP FOREMAN LOST GOLD WATCH DOWN MINE STOP INCONSOLABLE STOP

DELIVERED HEALTHY BABY BOY STOP LOOKS JUST LIKE FATHER STOP PLEASE RECOMMEND DIVORCE LAWYER STOP

GREAT NEWS STOP STRUCK OIL STOP WORSE NEWS STOP OIL STRUCK BACK STOP MANY DEAD STOP

THANKS MUCH $5 GIFT STOP BOUGHT NEW SUIT SHOES SHAVING KIT STOP TELEGRAMS NOW COST TWENTY CENTS PER WORD STOP PLEASE SEND MORE STOP

BOMBARDMENT SUCCESSFUL STOP NOW DEAF BOTH EARS STOP MARRIAGE GREATLY IMPROVED STOP

RECEIVED YOUR TELEGRAM LAST WEEK STOP GLAD HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN STOP WILL REPLY WHEN ABLE UNDERSTAND MORSE CODE STOP

NATIVES CLOSING IN STOP HAVE EATEN SERVANTS STOP SEND LAWYERS GUNS AND MONEY STOP